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monday

The following story has three titles that you may choose from:

the right way to be late for work

what it sounds like when the voices in your head are smarter than you

how it is to be trapped in the body of a moron

Whichever title you decide upon, I hope you enjoy my morning commute.

Wake up. That’s your alarm. Congratulations! When was the last time you slept all the way up to when your alarm sounded? Yeah, I can’t remember either. But, before you get too excited, remember that you ran out of coffee yesterday. That’s right. Just roll over and hold your wife for awhile, there is no compelling reason to get out of bed right away. But while you do that, run over your alternate options. You have tea, that’ll do in a pinch. Keep thinking, you’ll get it. Almost there. Yes. You have a backup stash. I would join you in celebrating your own brilliance. But, seriously, that variety pack of Godiva coffee has been sitting on the counter next to the coffee maker since you got them for Christmas. That wasn’t exactly a stroke of genius.

Go on, go make your coffee.

And now you wait. Your kids are stirring already. If you want to get any reading in this morning, now is the time.

The coffee is done. Get up. Get up off the couch and go get your coffee right now, or you won’t have time to enjoy it. You lazy sack of slouching idiocy, GET UP! Oh, there’s your daughter. Just when you thought you couldn’t love her any more, she offers to bring you a cup of coffee. And there’s your son. All he wants is to play a game of cards. Go ahead, you have time.

Now you’re out of time. It’s easy to believe that people kill each other over high-stakes poker after seeing your kids fight over who won a hand of Old Maid, eh? You’d better go get in the shower. The weather is supposed to be nice today. If you hurry, you can ride your motorcycle. But don’t forget to bring your wife a cup of coffee. She asked you to get her up at 6:00, and it’s already 6:05.

Hurry up! Get your gear on and get out of here! You’re just barely going to make it, and you have to change out of that ridiculous costume when you get to work.

Sweet, you’re golden. What a day! Watch out for those dumb kids waiting for the bus, they cross the street like they’ve never been hit by a car. Hey! Lucius just stalled! What’s that all about? Good thing you were coming to a stop. You must have shifted wrong. Hey! That’s twice! This must be that thing with your gas cap. You’d better go back home and drive the car today. You can turn around here, just keep your RPM’s up, and it’ll be fine.

Okay, let’s think about this. You’ve fixed this before by fiddling with the gas cap. If you can get it going, that’ll be a lot quicker than trading for the car.

There. Start Lucius up again and see how it goes. Better! Put it in gear and see what happens. Sweet, get on outta here. You’ll probably be just a few minutes late. Yes, yes. You probably could make up lost time by taking the highway all the way, but the side road is a much safer bet. I really don’t think Lucius is going to stall again, but if he does it while you’re doing 65, you’re dead. This stretch before your turn is bad enough. Humans weren’t meant to travel this fast, especially not while balancing a two-wheeled machine powered by tiny explosions. Of course, that’s the same thing that makes riding a motorcycle so great. A cheetah, on the other hand, can run at this speed. I wonder if a cheetah would survive a crash while ridingPANIC!!!

Okay, okay. He jump-started himself. Everything’s cool. That probably won’tAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Dude, you’re so screwed. It’s a good thing you kissed your family goodbye today. There’s no way you can control another stall at 60 miles anCRRAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!

Slow down, you idiot! Why are you laughing?! Nothing about this is funny! If you want to survive this then slow down and cover the clutch! Turn right here and take the side streets back home. I can’t believe that you are still alive. I can’t believe how stupid you are. I’m going to go curl up in the corner and freak out now. Keep your hand over the clutch, and keep your RPM’s up. Come get me when you get home.

Alright, okay, I’m back. Did you make it? Oh. Good. Look, I’m sorry I snapped at you. I was scared, I didn’t know if… Please stop laughing. Stop it. Fine. What time is it? Great, you were supposed to be at work ten minutes ago. Com’on, we’ve got to flip around and get outta here. Seriously, put that pancake down. Get your car keys. Put your shoes on. Hey, remember that time I told you to get your car keys? Why don’t we do that now. Yes, yes, goodbye everyone.

Alright, we’re back on the road. Like I was trying to say before, I’m sorry. That wasn’t really all your fault. I shouldn’t have yelled. But, I have an idea to make it up to you. Your boss is cool, he won’t really care that you’re late. You can work late to make it up. But it still looks bad. You’re already late, and there’s no amount of not stopping for donuts that will make you unlate. So go get a dozen donuts. It’ll set you back another 5 minutes, but you’ll be a hero. Trust me.

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